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S.
T. O. P - A four-step strategy
for handling conflicts without
hurting your relationship.
1.
STOP! As soon as you notice
yourself getting uncomfortable
with the way your conversation
is going, STOP! Then say:
I need a time out. This
gives you a chance to take a
break without blaming your
partner for your discomfort.
2. TIME OUT. This means
physically separating from each
other in order to stop the hurt.
It means going away for 30-60
minutes and coming back after
both of you have calmed down and
have completed Step 3.
Brain researchers have found
that once the heart is beating
95 bpm or above, the thinking
brain shuts down and the
emotional brain takes over.
This means it does no good to
keep arguing when you're both
upset, because the reasonable
part of your brain is no longer
listening.
John Gottman's research on
marital satisfaction found that
couples who disengage when
things start heating up, and try
again after both people are
calmer, stay together and report
greater satisfaction in their
relationships.
Techniques for calming yourself
down: Going for a walk, taking a
hot bath, listening to quiet
music, writing in a journal.
3. OWN YOUR PART. This
means taking responsibility for
your part in creating the
problem instead of attacking
your partner or defending your
position. To do this,
answer the following questions:
Q: Have I engaged in any acts of
overt muscling?
Demanding sex and/or obedience.
Controlling resources: $,
freedom, time.
Using violence or threats to
control my partner.
Showing anger and contempt for
my partner in public (includes:
attacks on character or
appearance as well as acting as
if my partner is invisible).
Shouting or intimidating with
words or gestures (includes:
sarcasm, mocking,
finger-pointing, cornering,
taunting).
Blaming, belittling,
interrogating, name-calling.
Hammering a point to death.
Ganging up on my partner by
bringing in kids, in-laws, other
allies.
Excusing my bad behavior by
blaming my partner for it: ?I
wouldn't drink if you weren't so
controlling.?
Doing any of the above in front
of our children.
Every act of overt muscling by one
partner leads to equally
powerful acts of covert defiance
by the other! Don't
mistake submission for devotion,
or obedience for love.
Q: Have I engaged in any acts of
covert defiance?
Withdrawing or Avoiding
(includes: the garage, the kids,
work, school, alcohol, etc.).
Stonewalling (includes: the
silent treatment, refusing to
talk).
Withholding affection,
attention, tenderness,
appreciation, sex.
Making excuses for why I didn't
follow-through . . . again.
Making and breaking promises and
agreements.
Procrastinating.
Chronic forgetting?: "Oops.
. . You know how my memory
is."
Chronic lateness.
Chronic apologies without
subsequent changes in behavior.
Flaunting my affection for
others in front of my partner.
Lying or hiding the truth.
Bad-mouthing my partner to our
children, friends, family.
Developing a social network that
excludes my partner.
Q: What could I have done that
would have been more helpful,
more considerate, more kind?
Q: What vulnerable feelings were
beneath my anger or
defensiveness? (Examples: fear,
guilt, embarrassment, sadness,
hurt).
Q: What vulnerable feelings
might have been beneath my partner's
behavior?
After you've answered these
questions and have a better
understanding of what went wrong
and what part you played, you're
ready for the last step: Peace
Offering.
4. PEACE OFFERING. Assuming you've
done all 3 previous steps, you
should be ready to come back
together and talk. Each of
you should take a turn sharing
what you learned about yourself
from your time away. This
means owning your part,
apologizing to your partner for
the hurt you may have caused,
and making a peace offering.
A peace offering can be as
simple as a hug or a kiss, or it
can be a promise or an agreement
to do something different.
When both of you have completed
this step, chances are you'll be
feeling lots better.
Here's an example of how this
step might sound:
"At first, all I
could see was what you did to
make me mad, but when I
went through the lists and saw:
blaming, forgetting, and
excusing, I realized that I
played a part in what went
wrong. I think I was
attacking you because I was
feeling guilty myself for
forgetting to do X. Sorry.
I know I let you down.
Next time I can try to be more
honest sooner, or I can at least
stop blaming you before you've
even had a chance to talk.
I promise to do X by Friday."
Sounds good, huh? You can
do it, too. Practice the STOP
strategy over and over until the
steps are automatic. It
takes lots of repetition, so
hang in there! When you've
got it down, try teaching it to
your kids. If they're too
young to understand it, use the
strategy in front of them.
They'll learn by example how to
communicate lovingly and
respectfully.
Learn
more about me
Purchase "The
OuchKit, A First Aid Kit for
Your Relationship" Betsy's
NEW tool for better
communication!
 The
kit contains 6 kinds of cards
with fill-in-the-blank questions
on the back that help you
clarify your feelings and
express them--without
defensiveness or blame. When you
exchange cards with each other,
hurts get aired, anger gets
diffused, questions get
answered, and good feelings
flow.
Product
Details:
Once
clients have experienced the
benefits of using the cards
during a session, they’re more
likely to use them at home. But
not always —at least not at
first. So in addition to
introducing the cards and then
assigning them as homework,
continue to use them during
subsequent sessions. This is
especially helpful for clients
who are skeptical or resistant
at first. Often, these clients
just need more encouragement, or
a little more supervised
practice.
Copyright 2003 Betsy
Sansby, MS, Licensed
Marriage & Family Therapist
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